This post comes from Juliette Greenham Güémez, one of TFA’s Spanish-language facilitators and parent coaches, who co-leads Navegando el Viaje de Género and works closely with families throughout their gender journey. Below, she shares what she’s learned from parents navigating this path — in her own words. Want to connect with Juliette directly? Visit her profile in our community.
Today I’m sharing these thoughts after years of living gender diversity; I pause and look back with a certain nostalgia, maybe because I wish things had gone differently, or because the challenges have been so great and I feel gratitude for where I am today, after so much effort.
Even though a gender transition takes everything you’ve got, it’s not changing your documents or even the surgeries that are the hardest part.
No — the part that becomes truly suffocating is society’s discrimination, which can even turn into violence.
We would mostly be fine if it weren’t for people who, out of ignorance, insist on making our lives impossible.
There are very interesting studies that show, again and again, that the single most important factor for a trans person’s successful development — one that contributes to the good mental health needed to steer their life well — IS FAMILY.
The statistics show very clearly how, with family support, anxiety, depression, and even suicide drop dramatically. The reverse is the harsh reality for people who have to manage on their own without family support, or who even have to put up with their family’s hostility.
But no one is born knowing this, and the topic of gender diversity isn’t part of our education or of the conversation in our society — and I mean a good education, not uninformed opinions or the malicious disinformation that manages to plant wrong ideas in people’s minds. Trans people are aware that their families aren’t knowledgeable about the topic, and honestly they wouldn’t expect them to know everything from day one; they know full well that the process will be long and will involve re-educating themselves on the subject.
Starting from there, there are many things trans youth need from their parents that are within their reach.
If you felt apprehension when your child came out, believe me, that’s the most common reaction. Right away I can tell you something that will lighten the load:
Your child isn’t coming to you for answers about how to transition! That’s because they’ve probably already spent a long time studying the topic themselves, and it’s actually they who will teach you many things about it.
So what they’re really looking for from you is support and willingness.
An answer like “I don’t know anything about this, but I’m willing to learn and to support you” hits the mark — and that is within your power.
Worry about their child’s safety is one of the most important things on families’ minds in those early moments, and it never fully goes away. Believe me, your child is thinking the same thing and worries about it too, and in their mind, your reaction is usually interpreted like this:
If there’s support: Perfect, I feel safe. Anxiety drops considerably — not because mom or dad can solve everything, but because they offer a safe place.
If there’s no support: Panic, an overwhelming sense of danger. I have no one to turn to and I’ll have to face the world alone.
I’ll tell you that my family’s reaction was “leave the house.” I was over 40 and had an education, work experience, and some savings to fall back on, but nothing replaced my family’s support, and I had to go through the hardest moments alone.
It all came from misinformation and from trusting anyone else before trusting me. Someone recommended to them, out of ignorance, that “it would be best if I moved away from the family and lived it on my own.” Huge mistake! It doesn’t matter if you’re 15 or 40 — family will always play the most important role, for better or worse.
It’s common that, in a first reaction, the mind tries to find or invent any argument against what your child is telling you, and slips into denial. That initial resistance to reality can make you want to argue against what they’re saying or the steps they want to take. That’s fear talking, and it’s human to feel that way.
You see, even if you hadn’t noticed signs before of what your child was experiencing, it’s likely that they themselves hid it from you and acted differently than they would have liked so you wouldn’t notice. They weren’t ready to tell you, but in their mind they lived with it for years before gathering the courage to confess it to you. Arguing with them will only set off the alarms we already talked about and send them into panic. Their gender identity isn’t something you can question, any more than anyone could question yours.
THINK ABOUT IT: NO ONE WOULD MAKE SUCH A CONFESSION TO YOU IF IT WEREN’T REAL.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that, for someone uninformed, a trans or gender-diverse person might look very different in their mind from what that person actually is — and of course the two versions wouldn’t match up or make sense together.
What happens is that there’s no such thing as “the typical trans person.” Having a trans experience is just one of many facets of a person’s life, and everyone will experience it differently. It helps to know that this is also a process of self-discovery for your child, and that they don’t have all the answers either about everything their transition will involve.
At this early stage, it’s not about making every decision or having them tell you whether they want some medical treatment; they might, but not everyone needs it, and not everyone is sure whether it will be necessary in the future — so what’s asked of families is more about providing that safe space to keep exploring the topic.
Once there’s real willingness, the next stage is learning about the topic properly and from responsible sources. That stage can be hard, but again, willingness makes it flow better: you have to unlearn what was learned incorrectly, to make room for correct knowledge.
For example, if you went to a doctor who isn’t up to date on the topic, they might tell you that the books used to say being trans “was a mental disorder.” Of course, that was stated as an article of faith in the past, when the books weren’t based on real research but on poorly informed opinions. It’s more common than you’d think to run into medical professionals who aren’t up to date and who end up harming our community. That’s why it’s important to turn to current sources that work with trans people.
Here’s something very important:
WITH YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE OF THE TOPIC, YOUR SUPPORT FOR YOUR CHILD BECOMES EXPONENTIAL!
That’s when you surround yourself with a team of specialists who can support your child’s transition in the best possible way.
That way, when you need to advocate for them in society — school being probably the first place that needs to be informed, to make sure your child’s rights are being respected — you won’t show up alone just wanting to help, but with solid arguments that help secure the outcome.
There are factors that might seem minor to an untrained eye, but simply referring to the trans person using the correct terms — including name and pronouns — has a wonderful effect.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but suddenly you’re part of the trans community too; you’re family and an ally. Everything that affects the community affects you. You make your child’s goals your own, and you play an important part in their decision-making, supporting them with your presence, your voice, and whatever resources you have available.
This is different from trying to decide how their transition should go, because that’s for them alone to decide. It doesn’t mean all their decisions will be easy for you, but they’re not easy for your child either. Imagine the moment of a surgery — as much as it may feel like your heart is being wrung, it’s your child who carries the harder part. That’s when loving families rise to the challenge.
If you notice, it always comes down to LOVE AND WILLINGNESS.
Not knowing everything.
Not questioning or challenging.
It’s the love you already feel for your child that you need to let speak.
If this resonated with you, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our private, vetted community connects parents and caregivers of trans, nonbinary, and gender-diverse kids with others who understand exactly what you’re going through — plus resources to help you build the knowledge and confidence this essay talks about. Join our community and find the support that makes all the difference.
This post comes from Juliette Greenham Güémez, one of TFA’s Spanish-language facilitators and parent coaches, who co-leads Navegando el Viaje de Género and works closely with families throughout their gender journey. Below, she shares what she’s learned from parents navigating this path — in her own words. Want to connect with Juliette directly? Visit her profile in our community.
Today I’m sharing these thoughts after years of living gender diversity; I pause and look back with a certain nostalgia, maybe because I wish things had gone differently, or because the challenges have been so great and I feel gratitude for where I am today, after so much effort.
Even though a gender transition takes everything you’ve got, it’s not changing your documents or even the surgeries that are the hardest part.
No — the part that becomes truly suffocating is society’s discrimination, which can even turn into violence.
We would mostly be fine if it weren’t for people who, out of ignorance, insist on making our lives impossible.
There are very interesting studies that show, again and again, that the single most important factor for a trans person’s successful development — one that contributes to the good mental health needed to steer their life well — IS FAMILY.
The statistics show very clearly how, with family support, anxiety, depression, and even suicide drop dramatically. The reverse is the harsh reality for people who have to manage on their own without family support, or who even have to put up with their family’s hostility.
But no one is born knowing this, and the topic of gender diversity isn’t part of our education or of the conversation in our society — and I mean a good education, not uninformed opinions or the malicious disinformation that manages to plant wrong ideas in people’s minds. Trans people are aware that their families aren’t knowledgeable about the topic, and honestly they wouldn’t expect them to know everything from day one; they know full well that the process will be long and will involve re-educating themselves on the subject.
Starting from there, there are many things trans youth need from their parents that are within their reach.
If you felt apprehension when your child came out, believe me, that’s the most common reaction. Right away I can tell you something that will lighten the load:
Your child isn’t coming to you for answers about how to transition! That’s because they’ve probably already spent a long time studying the topic themselves, and it’s actually they who will teach you many things about it.
So what they’re really looking for from you is support and willingness.
An answer like “I don’t know anything about this, but I’m willing to learn and to support you” hits the mark — and that is within your power.
Worry about their child’s safety is one of the most important things on families’ minds in those early moments, and it never fully goes away. Believe me, your child is thinking the same thing and worries about it too, and in their mind, your reaction is usually interpreted like this:
If there’s support: Perfect, I feel safe. Anxiety drops considerably — not because mom or dad can solve everything, but because they offer a safe place.
If there’s no support: Panic, an overwhelming sense of danger. I have no one to turn to and I’ll have to face the world alone.
I’ll tell you that my family’s reaction was “leave the house.” I was over 40 and had an education, work experience, and some savings to fall back on, but nothing replaced my family’s support, and I had to go through the hardest moments alone.
It all came from misinformation and from trusting anyone else before trusting me. Someone recommended to them, out of ignorance, that “it would be best if I moved away from the family and lived it on my own.” Huge mistake! It doesn’t matter if you’re 15 or 40 — family will always play the most important role, for better or worse.
It’s common that, in a first reaction, the mind tries to find or invent any argument against what your child is telling you, and slips into denial. That initial resistance to reality can make you want to argue against what they’re saying or the steps they want to take. That’s fear talking, and it’s human to feel that way.
You see, even if you hadn’t noticed signs before of what your child was experiencing, it’s likely that they themselves hid it from you and acted differently than they would have liked so you wouldn’t notice. They weren’t ready to tell you, but in their mind they lived with it for years before gathering the courage to confess it to you. Arguing with them will only set off the alarms we already talked about and send them into panic. Their gender identity isn’t something you can question, any more than anyone could question yours.
THINK ABOUT IT: NO ONE WOULD MAKE SUCH A CONFESSION TO YOU IF IT WEREN’T REAL.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that, for someone uninformed, a trans or gender-diverse person might look very different in their mind from what that person actually is — and of course the two versions wouldn’t match up or make sense together.
What happens is that there’s no such thing as “the typical trans person.” Having a trans experience is just one of many facets of a person’s life, and everyone will experience it differently. It helps to know that this is also a process of self-discovery for your child, and that they don’t have all the answers either about everything their transition will involve.
At this early stage, it’s not about making every decision or having them tell you whether they want some medical treatment; they might, but not everyone needs it, and not everyone is sure whether it will be necessary in the future — so what’s asked of families is more about providing that safe space to keep exploring the topic.
Once there’s real willingness, the next stage is learning about the topic properly and from responsible sources. That stage can be hard, but again, willingness makes it flow better: you have to unlearn what was learned incorrectly, to make room for correct knowledge.
For example, if you went to a doctor who isn’t up to date on the topic, they might tell you that the books used to say being trans “was a mental disorder.” Of course, that was stated as an article of faith in the past, when the books weren’t based on real research but on poorly informed opinions. It’s more common than you’d think to run into medical professionals who aren’t up to date and who end up harming our community. That’s why it’s important to turn to current sources that work with trans people.
Here’s something very important:
WITH YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE OF THE TOPIC, YOUR SUPPORT FOR YOUR CHILD BECOMES EXPONENTIAL!
That’s when you surround yourself with a team of specialists who can support your child’s transition in the best possible way.
That way, when you need to advocate for them in society — school being probably the first place that needs to be informed, to make sure your child’s rights are being respected — you won’t show up alone just wanting to help, but with solid arguments that help secure the outcome.
There are factors that might seem minor to an untrained eye, but simply referring to the trans person using the correct terms — including name and pronouns — has a wonderful effect.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but suddenly you’re part of the trans community too; you’re family and an ally. Everything that affects the community affects you. You make your child’s goals your own, and you play an important part in their decision-making, supporting them with your presence, your voice, and whatever resources you have available.
This is different from trying to decide how their transition should go, because that’s for them alone to decide. It doesn’t mean all their decisions will be easy for you, but they’re not easy for your child either. Imagine the moment of a surgery — as much as it may feel like your heart is being wrung, it’s your child who carries the harder part. That’s when loving families rise to the challenge.
If you notice, it always comes down to LOVE AND WILLINGNESS.
Not knowing everything.
Not questioning or challenging.
It’s the love you already feel for your child that you need to let speak.
If this resonated with you, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our private, vetted community connects parents and caregivers of trans, nonbinary, and gender-diverse kids with others who understand exactly what you’re going through — plus resources to help you build the knowledge and confidence this essay talks about. Join our community and find the support that makes all the difference.
